Everyone once in
awhile while I read a book a find myself nodding yes to every story, every
sentence. I find myself underlining and adding my conversations in the
margins. The author becomes a very real
person who is for me and whom I would much prefer to sit next to at a coffee
shop. A book that I want to shout about and at times throw across the room. Lets All Be Brave by Annie Downs is
that kind of book.
The whole book was
fantastic, but the chapter that impacted me the most, and made me want to throw
the book across the room, was Everything You Have.
If you know me at
all, you know that I am single. If you know me a little more, you know that I
absolutely want to get married and have a family. And if you really know me you
know that I have really only been single.
In this chapter
Annie write about her singleness. About how it is something that she never
wanted to talk about, much less write about, yet, God was pushing her to, and I
am so thankful she listened.
The world, (and
internet!), is full of stories of singleness. However, most of these stories are
either superhappy or supermad. Both of those stories annoy me. Then there are
the stories that while they are good, come from people who are no longer single
who have found their "happily ever after." That's not Annie. Annie is
raw and in the midst of her singleness. She is choosing to be real and to be
brave, and that is what this world needs to hear.
She says, "It's
not just about being alone at the dinner table or in the bed; its about
unanswered prayers and how to face a God who can do something about those
unanswered prayers but doesn't."
I could have written
those same words.
Since I was little,
while being a complete tomboy, I dreamed of my wedding. I prayed for my future
husband and wrote him letters in crayon after seeing that Jessica Simpson did
that (ridiculous, I know). I included him in journal entries that involved my
dreams and hopes for the future. As I grew I continued praying for him and also
praying that God would continue preparing me to be a wife and a mother.
Now, all those years
later, those prayers remain unanswered.
Yet, my hope remains
the same.
My hope remains in God alone. I am able to hope in the one who knows
what He is doing.
Annie says, (and I
echo)
You
are going to survive this, friend.
God
has not forgotten you.
Your life and your desires are important to God
Sometimes thing are
going well and it's easy, yet so many times it is far from easy. What do you do
when you have to make major life decisions alone? What about when everyone
around you is getting married and having kids and you feel left behind? When your
life begins to look like a real life version of 27 Dresses. What do you do when
you feel like you can't take that opportunity because it may cause you to miss
out on the one who just might be around the corner?
I have found myself
in all of these situation, and have cried many tears at unexpected times.
When I was thinking about going back to China these
fears were very real in my mind. In my thoughts committing to go back to China
meant I would be putting off potential marriage for at least another year. That
somehow moving to China directly related with the possibility of marriage and I
couldn't see how the two could possibly happen simultaneously. I believed the
lies that I was in this by myself, that moving on with my life would mean the
things I so desperately wanted to happen never would.
As Annie says,
"That became my biggest fear - waiting for a marriage I'm not guaranteed,
keeping me from doing the good things that bring glory to God right
now."
I don't want to stay
stagnant. When things are stagnant it doesn't stay the same, it rots, it
deteriorates.
Staying stagnant doesn't bring God glory.
Knowing that God is
always with me means I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to be afraid of
being alone or the unknown that may or may not happen. I am able to have hope
and walk forward in the hope so that I can do His work and from Him glory. I have
faith that God hears my prayers and He knows my desires.
Knowing God means I
can be brave in every season of life, no matter what circumstances surround me
And I continue to
walk forward.
Right now I am
walking forward towards time in China
In the future I hope
walking forward means marriage and children
No matter what I am
able to walk forward because I know the one who is always walking with me, and
He will never fail me and will always love me
This
is my "rewriting" of this chapter. Do yourself a favor and
read the book yourself!
